I had given up, thinking I'd die a virgin—until my one skill, massage, finally helped me lose my virginity! When my mom praised me in our apartment complex, saying "my son's massage is on par with a pro's," the neighboring housewives started visiting every day. Reluctantly, I kept giving treatments, until one day a huge, unmistakable stain of pent-up desire was left on the futon. Sorry, husband—I ended up deliciously devoured by your wife.