What I seek is not "training," but "execution." Sadomasochistic acts are merely a means to guide me toward the place I desire—a place where a certain kind of despair arises. There are sensations and experiences attainable only in that place. To reach it, the existence of an executor is absolutely essential. As long as choices remain, true despair cannot exist. Even when cornered, there's always some lingering urge to resist or escape. But when even that fails, fear takes over—this fear transforms into rapture, and ultimately leads into despair.